I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
