I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
