I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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