hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
