Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I smell stomach acid.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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