It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
