My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
