I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
