im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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