A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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