Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My bed smells like the plague
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