i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
