Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
