I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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