I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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