I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
