She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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