I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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