$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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