this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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