I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
