Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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