Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
