eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
