If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
