you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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