she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
