The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
