youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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