Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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