I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
