i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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