Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
