I wish I could teleport
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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