Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
