just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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