Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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