Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
