god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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