I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
