strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
