I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
