Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
time to smoke my breakfast
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
