After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
