I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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