I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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