hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
