I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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