Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
