We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
