once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
